The departure of my father

When I was a kid, about 13-14 years old – that was 20 years ago, sometime I had the feeling of afraid to lose my parents. Suddenly it struck me and I remembered, I cried alone and fall a sleep. I don’t know why I had such a terrifying imagination. I finally know –20 years later– how it feels to lose one of them.

My father is always be my guru. He the one who introduce me to reading and the thirst of knowing about anything. He always silent and humble and passionate on four of us. As far as I remember, he never yelled at me – or us. Even this three boys were always made my mom crazy. Almost every night at everyday, he sat with me (occasionally with my mom, after she finished our dishes) and ask for what was I studied (I was in my elementary school), and that the beginning of our studied together. My father was passion about geography and general knowledge, and my mom with math. I was so lame in math and it pulled me off. One night I cried till fall asleep on my desk desperately tried to solve math problem my mom gave to me. I thought I was never good at math. My father on the other hand, he dictated me anything interesting so I can easily remember them. I know Qantas, Cathay Pacific, British Airways and some other airlines and their nationalities in my third grade elementary school. I know Vladivostok in Easter-nest Russia in my third grade elementary school.

The legacy of my father in me is mostly my social behavior, be frugal, never lie, and be consistence  among other things. The other hand, I learn how to give attention to detail, persistence, mostly from my mother. I guess I am symmetrical mix from both of them.

One thing I know, my father always proud of me because I am good at school. He is a fond of academia. When I decided to be a teacher , I can saw in his eyes that he proud of me even more. He told me that under different circumstances in his childhood, he might as well go to university. But fate canceled his desire and nothing can gave him even more  satisfaction than to see me pursue my highest pinnacle in academia. He cried when I gave him my master certificate from Japan last year because he knew what I have been through and blessed me to go further and not gave up. I promise him I will get my PhD and gave my highest certificate to them as an honor from me.

(I don’t know father, it’s getting heavier and heavier….)

I didn’t know how am I going through if I didn’t had bless and support from both of them during my hard times last year. Reality gave me no choice except to face and going through, and when I need something to grasp, my father always gave these advices for me to remain strong. I never let them down, but once- I knew I disappoint them– especially my father. I told him that I apologize  for give him such a tragedy. Divorce is not listed in my family lingo. He hugged me with tears and told me to be patient because he knew it was the best for me. Still, I felt terrible. He just want me to stay focus on my study.

One wish I couldn’t give to him is that he always want to go  somewhere new. I just have a plan that someday I will give my parent ticket to visit Singapore or Malaysia. I bet he will be more than happy. When he took me to the airport, when I got back to Japan after my divorce, he hugged my and said that he proud I could see the world, the one he wished he could.

The one that makes me even more sad is that my Dhana is pretty close to him. He always took Dhana to see rice field, cattle and amaze her with new things everyday. He tread her like his own little daughter and always refer her as ‘the cutie one‘.  I remember he was very happy when Dhana (by that time I think 1 year old) was not cried in his cuddle. I am sure five months with Dhana gave him a lot of fruitful memories and made him happy.

He was healthy man with no sickness or whatever that I can think of. He regularly drink water 8 glasses per day  and play tennis once a week to keep him fresh.

I guess there is no correlation between health and death.

Father, it’s time for you to depart. I feel it is not the time. It is terrible for me, especially for Dhana that you go when everything start to be OK. I know you don’t want  to see me falling down. I won’t father. Whatever it takes, I will keep my promise to  you. It is time for four of us to take part in this life. Thank you for everything.

I, Dhana will miss you. Keep blessing us from above. I am sure you will remain in her heart forever.


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