My God is full of grace. I assume He will not punish me for being such a man with big hole in his heart, living each day with pain and sadness. For this upcoming Ramadhan I am ready for completely agony, ready for reading Koran in the silent night alone, trying to grasp every true meaning hidden behind every words. I hope for this Ramadhan He will shows me true meaning of living life  for those I will become better person. What is more worth than that?

One thing I must learn in this month is how to accept all things that happen in my life with completely gracefullness. In our language, it is called “ikhlas“. That`s it. Six words and the most difficult thing to do in the world. It is a vaccine injected to your soul. Either you will become full and complete person or worse you will become part of your own devil. It is dangerous state that maybe everyone will ignore it is exist. The true ikhlas will not be spoken and as vaccine, it will transform you within you very soul to become one of those being.

It is very hard to become a good man. The other way around is very easy. How is that happen? What kind of rule is that? From the time of Adam, Moses, Christ and later Muhammad always, I mean always the good deeds is in stakes. Good man is always who is dying, outcast, even nailed and burned alive. What kind of sick world we are living in. Maybe good is not accompany with easyness. Easy means low quality, periphery and devil`s game. That`s why in the pursuit of great good we must face great hardness. My Koran said that to become a man is to be always prepared. Peaceful is only when you are dead. To choose alive is to accept this consequences.

I think my soul is in the most vurnerable state right now. I hope I am not going somewhere dark but convenience. I want to face all of demons who trying to hold and drag me down and strike them all with my only power, sorrow.

Come on, you all, come to me. Hit me with all yours but I am not going to be yours. …Am I?


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